


Make me feel alive

by navaan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s04e16 The Waters of Mars, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-16
Updated: 2010-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-13 00:58:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navaan/pseuds/navaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor fears for his life and turns to Jack for comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make me feel alive

**Author's Note:**

> A big Thank you to my wonderful beta [knm1234](http://knm1234.livejournal.com/profile). Written for the 10_hurt_comfort challenge on lj. Promt was _fear_.

It's not always clear how long it's been since the last time they saw each other. There’s no telling with them living like they do. It could well be that the Doctor has just taken his almighty time machine and jumped forward only moments after their last encounter – for him at least. Jack doubts it. He knows the Doctor too well.

Today there is an air of exhaustion about him, telling of many crises and mistakes. The Time Lord just wants to rest, Jack can see it in his posture. He didn’t land the Tardis on the Plass today, just inconspicuously strolled past Jack and Gwen as they entered the Hub, making sure Jack noticed him and keeping his distance. Jack can see him even now on the CCTV, standing, sitting, walking and waiting outside.

Gwen makes her goodbyes and leaves, and Jack is finally alone. He opens all the doors to let his friend in.

He sees the Doctor walk towards the entrance and waits for him to arrive. When nothing happens, Jack get nervous and jumps up from his office chair to go fetch the alien. That’s when he notices the silhouette of the man at the foot of the stairs, standing in the dark of the cold Hub interior. The Doctor watches him with a forlorn, unhappy expression that sends an icy chill down Jack's back. Something severe has happened, something disturbing enough to make the Time Lord seek company.

When Jack reaches his friend, he doesn't know what to say or do. The Doctor refuses to meet his eyes for a moment, then turns to look at him with an unreadable expression on his handsome face.

"I did something so very, very wrong, Jack. I nearly lost myself today." Jack can only stare. "And I'm going to pay for it. I'm going to die. I'm going to die, Jack."

There are tears in the man's eyes and the Captain feels terrified. The Doctor throws himself against his chest and clings on as if his life depends on it – and maybe it does. Jack sits down and pulls the other man down with him until he is sitting in his lap, hiding his face in Jack's broad chest. His skinny frame shakes with sobs. Jack can't remember the Doctor ever breaking down like this in front of him, aside from the one time, when he cried over the Master's dead body on the Valiant. He had wished to never see the strong Time Lord break down like that again. It scares him beyond words. He wants to comfort but doesn't know how. The man he knows would never ordinarily seek comfort.

But this is different.

“Hey,” Jack coaxes softly, “What happened to you? What are you talking about?” Carefully he strokes the unruly brown hair and waits until the sobbing has died down a little. The Doctor pushes himself away a little and looks with lowered lashes at the damp spot his tears have left on Jack's blue shirt. There are tears rolling down his cheeks and his breath is still a little ragged, but he has stopped crying.

When he speaks his voice is eerily calm. “I'm going to die.” He watches his own fingers splayed against the broad chest of the human.

“Why do you say that?” Jack asks, an irrational fear gripping him. Is his friend _dying_? Is he incurably ill? Has he been poisoned? Should he be dragging him down to their medical equipment? Surely he isn't speaking of death, but regeneration? He gives the Doctor a concerned once-over but can't see any signs of deterioration, just exhaustion and vulnerability that just should not be there. His hand grasps the one that is pressed against his chest, against his heart. With a deep breath, he forces himself to remain calm and let the other man talk in his own time.

“There was a prophecy. I didn't really take note of it when it was made. But then somebody else made another mention of my imminent death. I tried to shrug it off and go on.” He trembles. “But then I did something horrible, unforgivable. I tried to change a fixed point in time.” Jack's eyes widen in shock. “I'm a danger. And now the prophecy will come to pass.”

He bends forward to rest his brow against Jack's shoulder. “I don't want to die, Jack. I'm not ready to die yet.” It comes out in a broken whisper. The immortal aches to hold his friend, to never let him go. He puts his arms around the man in a strong embrace and holds on, wordlessly promising protection. Even if he isn't at all sure he can give it.

For a moment they just sit like that, then the Doctor winds his arms around Jack’s back and presses closer. “You won't die,” Jack whispers, burying his face in the Time Lord’s hair, enjoying his scent. It is worrying that the Doctor is allowing this at all. “I won't let you die.”

“I'm not even sure if this whole _song ending_ means I'm going to regenerate, it sounds so final,” the Doctor begins to babble. “But regenerating feels like death anyway. I'm not ready to go through that again... There is so much I still want to do. This me isn't finished yet. I’ve had to let go too soon so often... I don't want to let go. What if this time I _really_ die?”

Jack shushes him with soft reassurances. The Captain feels chilled and scared, because he has no idea what his friend is talking about. He isn't used to the Time Lord being this openly upset and the cryptic babbling makes it all the more clear how distraught he must feel. Jack doesn't want to imagine what had happened to reduce him to this state.

They hold on to each other for a while. The Doctor has stopped trembling but Jack strokes his back in a soothing gesture anyway. He can feel the tension in the muscles beneath his fingers and tries to make his friend relax.

Unexpectedly he feels cool lips touch the side of his neck.

“Doctor?” he asks, and his voice is higher than is normal, he’s sure of it. Reaching for the man's chin with one hand, he makes the Doctor tip his head back and look up to meet his eyes. “You must be really out of your depth, huh?”

The Doctor swallows. He seems nervous and still more than a little afraid. “You don't want this anymore?” he asks softly. “I thought you would want to.”

For once, Jack Harkness is completely thrown, so much so that he has to catch his breath. This doesn't happen often, with him being the master of flirtation around here. The Doctor rests his head against his shoulder again, but looks up, awaiting an answer. He looks upset and calm, superior and helpless all at the same time – it’s the young body and those incredibly ancient eyes that have seen far too much. Jack doesn't know how to answer him so bends down to capture his lips in a desperate kiss. The alien freezes for a split second, then opens his mouth to allow the kiss to deepen. Jack should really think this through, but he has waited for this for far too long.

When the kiss ends, they are both out of breath and shaking. The Doctor looks confused and insecure and Jack isn't sure if it's because of his fear of dying or the kiss they shared. Whatever the reason, Jack knows he should stop and make his friend talk. But his pants feel tight and the scent of the Time Lord up close is so overwhelming, he has trouble thinking straight. He kisses the Doctor’s brow then clears his throat before speaking. “I think we’ve established that I still want this, badly. But what about you? You never wanted this before.”

The Doctor looks guilty then rubs his jaw. He’s never good at talking about the things that matter and they both know it. He looks away. “Maybe I did. I just couldn't...”

Jack has to admit the embarrassment is sexy, but isn't deterred from his decision to be rational about this. The Doctor's ruffled and vulnerable look makes it all the more difficult.

“Jack, please. I need to feel alive. Please, I...” His voice breaks and so does Jack’s resolve. He just can't lose the Doctor. He most certainly won't allow him to die or drive himself crazy with fear. Before the Doctor can find more words, Jack stops him with another searing kiss. The Doctor gives a surprised squeak and holds on to Jack's shoulders so as not to fall from his lap. This is not the most comfortable place for what they are going to do. Without breaking the kiss, the Captain pulls them both to their feet, his hands already fiddling with the buttons of the Doctor's jacket.

He takes his lover-to-be by the arm and without relinquishing too much body contact, they make it up the stairs. Jack thinks about taking this to the bedroom, but that would mean letting go of the Time Lord and actually climbing down the ladder. At the moment he barely wants to let go of the Doctor to open the office door – he doesn't close it behind them. He finally wrestles the Doctor’s jacket off and pulls at the white shirt beneath. The Doctor isn't far behind in his ministrations: Jack's black vest is already falling to the floor.

It's desperate and confusing and possibly a mistake. But it feels so good.

Making a quick decision, Jack steps away, out of the Doctor’s frantic embrace, for long enough to clear his desk with one powerful sweep of his arm. Papers, a lamp and writing utensils – everything that is unlucky enough to have been left on his desk – falls on the floor with a loud clatter, rustling and rolling around the room. The Doctor looks down at the mess open mouthed, then looks back at Jack with a surprisingly heated expression. It's likely that the Doctor doesn't even know how wanton he looks.

Jack gives a breathless chuckle. “You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this.” He steps towards the other man, positively sweeps him up and sets him down on the edge of the desk. “I’d never have dared imagine this could really happen.” His mind tells him that it's still a possibility this is only an act of desperation on the Time Lord's part, that when this is all over he will most likely never see the other man again.

The Doctor leans forward and initiates a gentle kiss. His holds himself steady with one hand clutching on to Jack's shoulder and starts to stroke his cheekbone with the other. It's all so very careful and sweet that Jack softly pulls him closer. “You know you don't have to keep this up for my benefit, right? You can take control. We both know you’re much stronger than I am. If you don't want this, just make me stop.”

His words make the Time Lord pause in his explorations. When brown eyes meet blue ones, his expression is a little sad again. “I know. But I don't want to take control.” He halts and something scared passes through brown eyes. His cheeks go a little pale. “I'm not good at _this_.” Meaning sex, Jack guesses. He supposes it's not a lie, but the fear of taking control stems more from the Doctor's recent actions concerning that fixed point in time than sex. They both know it, too.

“But I want it,” the Doctor whispers. “With _you_. It's not just because I feel a little out of my game recently. Please...” He rocks their crotches together and Jack can feel the hardness hidden in those pinstriped trousers. A shudder goes through his body and he bends forward to nip at the Doctor's earlobe. It elicits a desperate moan and Jack can't resist the urge to do it again. He presses forward, making the Doctor's back come down on the desk and his legs automatically move around his body. Jack sucks his earlobe and the Doctor makes a desperate noise in the back of his throat and bucks his hips against Jack.

The Doctor gasps and his back arches away from the table, pressing them even closer in the process. “Jaaack...” he moans, and it makes the Captain nearly come in his pants. He feels like a desperate teenager – and he hasn't been that for a very long time.

“Oh god,” he gasps, “You’re incredible.” He kisses along the Doctor’s jawline. The man's eyes are closed and he is writhing on the desk. He makes an appealing picture, utterly aroused with a ripped-open shirt and disheveled hair. “You have no idea how sexy you are.”

The brown eyes open to fix on him and there is an unexpectedly shy and soft expression in them. The human holds his breath for a moment. The Doctor's voice is very soft and sounds a bit throaty. “Is that how you see me?”

He smiles. “That’s how I’ve _always_ seen you.” The implication is clear: _Regeneration hasn't changed my perception of you._

The Time Lord reaches out to pull him down for another kiss. It's slow and soft but far from innocent. Jack finally rips the rest of the white shirt open and sighs when his hand strokes the surprisingly soft flesh of the man's skinny chest. He is distracted by the Doctor reaching down and opening his own pants. Regretfully, Jack abandons his explorations for the moment and steps back to help his lover get rid of his clothes. He takes one trainer-clad foot and pulls the leg up to undo the laces. The Doctor gives a yelp but doesn't struggle as he lies back against the desk. He watches Jack as he flings the shoe over his shoulder and reaches for the other one. Without waiting for the man on the desk to move, he yanks the pants from him in one go and discards them on the floor. The rapid action makes the Doctor give another surprised cry. By now Jack only has eyes for the newly exposed body. He licks his lips.

Shrugging out of his shirt, Jack is back by the desk and hovering over the naked man in an instant. He isn't sure how to begin this. They have flirted before, always supposing that the Doctor is nothing more than an insufferable tease and nothing will ever come of it. But Jack has so often fantasized about this moment in so many different ways, that now he is unsure where to start. Then the writhing Doctor takes the decision out of his hands when he reaches out to undo his trousers. He watches the lithe hands do their work. Before they come off, Jack reaches into his pocket to pull out a container of lubricant and sets it down on the desk. The Doctor watches his movements and the small container with a furrowed brow.

“Always prepared?” he asks. Jack smiles lewdly. Then his pants fall to his ankles and the man on the desk looks him over with excited interest. “Jack?” The Doctor asks in a breathless voice. “I want you. Please.”

The Captain isn't sure how he can sound so level-headed and breathless at the same time. Mesmerized, he bends forward to pull the Doctor into a sitting position and another fierce kiss. Their chests touch. With a push he brings their erections together and they both moan. The Doctor reaches down to touch his lover’s cock and, with a strangled sound, Jack lets his head fall into the crook of his neck. “This is going too fast and too slow at the same time,” Jack complains.

“You’re supposed to be the expert,” the Time Lord jokes in an unconcerned tone. When Jack peeks at him, he finds the brown eyes shining with mirth and heat and fondness, and he has to catch his breath again. It's impossible to grasp that a look like that is directed at _him_. The Doctor is looking at him without the lingering traces of insecurity and fear that had been there before.

Jack feels a little more at ease to banter. “Want me to prove my claim?”

The Doctor smiles and this time it even reaches his eyes. “That's what this is all about,” he says with his finally-your-human-brain-caught-on-voice. Jack feels an answering smile form on his face and knows his own eyes are shining with humor. Leave it to this impossible, fantastic and normally distant being to go back to his doctorly self in the middle of sex – an activity that Jack wouldn't have put down as normal Doctor behavior.

A tension that Jack hadn't been aware of until now leaves him.

The Doctor takes the little container and shoves it at Jack, who coats two of his fingers. The Doctor maintains his sitting position, but opens his legs far enough to grant access. A finger brushes teasingly against the puckered opening, just testing. “When was the la...?” Jack starts to ask.

“Never mind that. I'm not human, Jack. Better muscle control. Now _do_ somethi... Ahhh!”

He watches the Doctor's face with rapt attention as he pushes his finger in and out. The Time Lord’s eyes have fallen shut again, his head thrown back in pleasure. His hands hold on to Jack’s shoulders, so he can better push back against the delicious pressure. A mewling sound escapes the Doctor’s throat as another finger, and then another, are pushed in. Jack reaches down to touch himself, generously spreading lube along his shaft. “Ah... Please, Jack. I'm not good at this... Now. Please...,” the Doctor begs before the fingers are removed and Jack pushes his back down on the desk again with his strong hands against the slim chest. He can feel the double heartbeat.

The Doctor tucks up his legs, making it easier for Jack to position himself, and pulls the Captain down so their lips can meet again. Jack tentatively begins to stroke the Doctor's erection with one hand while using the other to keep the twitching hips still. The Doctor moans pitifully then thrusts slowly into the hand and against the pressure at his entrance. With a slow and careful push, Jack enters. He makes some soothing noises when the Doctor’s back arcs away from the table, his whole body tense. Words have fled him for the moment. They are both panting audibly with the effort. Jack tries to keep still to give the Doctor a moment to get used to the feeling, then pushes in a little deeper. “You’re so tight,” he groans. “So hot and tight and alive.” The Doctor relaxes a little around him and gives a whine when Jack pulls out, just to push back in deeper.

“Jaaack... Oh, Rassilon.”

“You like that?”

“Yes, oh yes. Don't stop...” The Doctor’s voice trails off into a long, drawn-out moan.

Jack takes note of the little noises the Doctor makes, and tries to commit his face, caught in pleasure, to memory. Keeping up a steady rhythm, he starts to kiss his way up from the chest, back to the jawline and the tempting earlobe. The Doctor shivers with pleasure. “Oh... Jack, I... Jaack.” The Captain wants the Doctor to call his name like that over and over again, but they are both so close now.

The Time Lord's hands wind into Jack’s hair and their foreheads press together. Jack pushes in again with a jerky motion and it seems to be just right, because he feels the body around him jerk and spasm with the throes of orgasm. “Doctor!” he shouts, and he feels himself come.

Afterwards they lie in an undignified heap on his desk. Jack can't just find the strength to push himself off of the other's body. The Doctor's legs dangle from the desk and he seems completely relaxed under Jack's crushing weight. The strength of a Time Lord.

Jack lets his own head rest against the man's shoulder and listens to the labored breathing that is slowly becoming more regular again. He wants to fall asleep like this, cling to this moment as long as possible before reality hits and all of this falls apart.

It starts too soon, with the Doctor's hands pushing against him to make him move aside so he can sit up. The Time Lord surveys the mess they have made of the office bemusedly. He is still wearing his open white shirt. Jack expects him to gather his clothes and make an exit. Instead, the Doctor looks around calmly then looks back down at him with a soft, wistful smile. “I won't say you don't look good, sprawled out on your desk”, he starts. “But can we maybe move somewhere else now. I'm not sure about Torchwood regulations, but I'm sure lying naked on your desk is not standard procedure around here. Although now I've said it, I remember you make the rules...”

This sounds a lot more like the man he knows, although it's not the kind of conversation he would have expected. Jack smiles lazily, still too relaxed and sated to spring back into action. “Want to move _this_ to the bed?”

The Doctor blushes a little and nods at him, not meeting his intense gaze anymore.

“All right.” Jack pushes himself up, takes his lover's hand and leads him over to the ladder. The Doctor raises a questioning eyebrow, but stays silent and climbs down. Jack follows and makes a quick detour to the bathroom to fetch a wet towel so they can clean themselves. His guest stares at him when he hands it over, but then takes it gratefully. It's quite unexpected how comfortable the Time Lord seems to be standing there mostly naked.

Jack is glad that the fear and desperation seem to have dissipated. He climbs into the bed and holds up the covers for the Doctor, who snuggles against him without prodding.

"This is quite cozy, actually," the Doctor remarks. "You’re so warm."

Jack nuzzles his cool cheek with his nose. "I'm a bit surprised you're still here."

The Doctor looks at him with earnest eyes that shimmer in the darkness. "I'm tired. Tired of constantly running. Running from myself, mostly."

"You really believe you’ll die?"

The man gives a sigh and rubs his earlobe. It makes Jack think about the new knowledge that the Doctor can be driven wild by being touched there. "I don't know. Maybe the universe wants me put down a peg or two for what I’ve done." He rests his head on Jack's chest and the Captain pulls him closer, letting his arm rest on the Doctor's back. For a while they just lie there, drifting. Then the Doctor clears his throat and whispers: "Thank you."

It startles Jack out of his drowsy state. "For what?"

The Doctor makes a gesture with his hand that indicates the two of them. "For everything."

"I think you were traveling alone too long," Jack says contemplating the events of the evening. "You’re not meant to be alone."

His lover doesn't say anything immediately. "Yeah. Donna said that. In the beginning, actually. She was always a wise woman. Although she didn't know it then. She said I needed someone to stop me."

Jack looks at the ceiling and thinks of the red-headed companion. She had been different from the others, from him, Rose and Martha, in an important simple way: she had been more down to earth than any of them, and not blind to the Doctor's faults. Maybe that had been exactly what the Doctor had needed. Now he can't allow himself to find and lose it yet again.

The Time Lord sighs and closes his eyes. “I feel better now. Not good, but better.” He shifts a little to lie more comfortably. “Would you mind if I stayed for a while?”

Jack laughs out loud. “I don't mind. Stay as long as you want,” he assures him. He can’t really see the Doctor staying too long in one place, but will make the best of the time they have. Right now the Doctor feels alive again, he knows there is nothing holding him back from running around the universe, everything as it should be.

The Doctor is still alive, and Jack hopes it will stay that way for a long time to come.


End file.
